Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.