Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.