whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows