whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.