whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

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What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*


So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.


Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.


Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.


In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.


Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons


Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.


ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real