@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

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@JKickinit30

What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*

@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@ThatMummyLife

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

@TheWoodenslurpy

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

@dumbbeezie

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real