whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes