whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
This kid will have a bright future.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.