Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.