Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If you love someone, let them tweet.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Never forget.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER