Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

My purse is deeper than some people.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them