Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“and how does that make you feel?”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.