Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr