Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?