Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

put ‘er there pardner!

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math