Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

the three genders

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken