Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.