whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.