whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*looks at you in batman voice*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Sharon I have some bad news
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
huge if true: the moon
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”