whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
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me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Any refunds available?…
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy