Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

thoughts?

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.