Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Lmfao
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.