Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
“The Perfect Relationship”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.