Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Cool shirt 🙂

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.