Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Bed should get ready for ME
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”