Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs