Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.