Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
accurate
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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