Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!