They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Doctors texting each other.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
oppen heimer style lol
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*