Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

gentlemen, hear me out

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

is this how new cars are made??

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle