Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Me too 😆

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

I’ve had relationships like this

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…