Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
You Might Also Like
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
#parenting
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.