Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[adds another nod to the conversation]
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
ok like just. call me at this point
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Simple
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.