Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER