Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I have no passwords left in me
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
i hate you platonically
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?