Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.