Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
You Might Also Like
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If only.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra