Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

The devil.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Meowchelangelo

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.