Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
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Happens to everyone.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
me logging onto twitter
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH