Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
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[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
ew if literal: let me be clear
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early