Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.