Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
this is so top tier i cant
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*