Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Breaking news:
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”