@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

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@BucMarvin

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

@CrunkDriver

*creaking sounds upstairs*

Me: Alexa, what was that!?

Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death

*creaking intensifies*

Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts

@pant_leg

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

@yenniwhite

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@MomOnFire

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.