Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…