Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Velcrow
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.