Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.