Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak