#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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#NeverForget
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.