Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?