Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions