#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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me 2 months after i graduated
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
