#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.