Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.