The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
This meal prepping shit is easy
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt