#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.