Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

*skinny dips into black hole

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.