Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Girl, same.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?