#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
she has a point
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
u spoke cat all this time??????
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*