Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

tourist season

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Alexa: *deep breath*

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school