How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.
Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!
ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Oh my god you don’t need makeup!
~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?