#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
me: my friends:
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups