@ElayneBoosler

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

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@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@tarashoe

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

@MsSkaarsgard

Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.

Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.

@LuvPug

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@nachosarah

the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

@FunnyBison

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

@VisionBored1

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?