“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
So sorry
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?