“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.