“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
🤣🤣💀
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
