“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
never forget
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
