I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Easy enough.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
New comic up. “Ransom”