Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower