Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Math at Halloween.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Word!

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”