Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
When your diet is finally over.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I just want an internship man
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!