Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I need to sieze this.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.